Follow Pearl, Malti & Bruce
The large shell-less beings may not always be that swift on the uptake, but they definitely have their moments.
For example, let’s take the day you first met your personal shell-less assistant. And she was instantly smitten with you – your pale ivory neck skin, your oh-so-colorful orange cheek patches, the way your bright red eyes whirl whenever you see an escargot. Smart, right?
Then she took you to see the terrifying being in the white lab coat, who checked you out from every angle and promptly pronounced that you are “an especially handsome male 3 toed box turtle.”
(Although even this astute observation still didn’t make up for the horrid solution she then shoved down your throat – something awful called “de-worming treatment.”)