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Day 315: Resolving “Hostile Takeout”

At times – inexplicably – your large featherless assistant may bring home a particular “takeout” dish she doesn’t seem to want to share with you.

The technical term for this situation is “hostile takeout.”

Luckily, as a highly trained hostile takeout operator (with feathers), you know just what to do to resolve the standoff.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here is an easy 4-step process to quickly resolve even the most incendiary hostile takeout situations.

Scan the hostile takeout with a look of curiosity. You don't want it - you are just curious.
First, scan the hostile takeout with a look of curiosity. Here, you don’t want it, but you just want to know what it is.
To really "sell" this, you can even glance away and pretend to be distracted by the gleam of nearby reflected prettiness.
To really “sell” this, you can even glance away and pretend to be distracted by the gleam of nearby reflected prettiness.
If your featherless housemate remains resistant, glare until "guilt" arises (in her, not you).
If your featherless housemate remains resistant, glare with full-strength “cuteness” until she is overcome by feelings of guilt and surrenders the takeout.
Finally (and this is only as a last resort) prepare to overcome the hostile takeout by force.
Finally – and this is only as a last resort – prepare to (um) take the hostile takeout by force.

Author: Shannon Cutts
Co-Author: Pearl Cutts

 

 

 

 

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